Long weekend and more swimming!

I'm so happy right now - I just found out that the client that I'm working for right now is closed on Monday, so I have Monday and Tuesday off. Plus - I'm out all day tomorrow for my nutritionist and psych appts. Yea! We're headed down to Modesto again (thankfully it'll be much much cooler there this weekend) and I'll be able to get in some more swimming. Can't wait!

My aquatic life

I had a pretty good weekend. I went to see my family in Modesto.. it was my niece Sierra's 6th birthday party on Saturday. Chris and I tried our best to enjoy ourselves (some family drama related to my ex-stepmonster who is Sierra's grandmother) and we did for the most part. The part that kinda sucked is it was HOT.. like 105 degrees in the shade. And being the rolly-polly that I am, I was pretty uncomfortable. I've always hated summers in my hometown because it sucks to be obese and overheated. But - the good news is that we were invited by friends of my dad to come over and go swimming after the party. I was so there!

Swimming was always a really big part of my life, until after high school when my weight spiralled out of control. My dad taught me to swim when I was 2 and he'd take me to the pool every afternoon in the summer. I couldn't get enough.. he would have to make me get out of pool. My fingers would actually hurt from being so pruney. When I got into junior high, my mom signed me up for lessons with a coach and I joined the local swim club and started to compete. In high school, I was on my high school swim team. I had practice starting at 6:30am and again after school. I was never late for practice - I loved swimming so much. In the pool, I didn't feel self-conscious or out of place like I often did on land - I felt free and fearless .. and weightless. But as high school went on and puberty really hit, that's when my weight started to become a problem. I had always been a "big girl", but I had always been really active too. One of my most painful memories is of the yearly physical that my high school required for us to have with our family doctor before we could participate in sports. Before the swim season my junior year, I went to my doctor to fill out the physical form. And she wrote on it .. "weight 202.. patient is moderately obese". That is the first time that I had been labeled as "obese".. I guess I was about 17. I felt such an extraordinary amount of shame when I had to turn that form into my coach. That was the last season that I swam competitively. And over the years since, I've swam on occasion, but I've never done laps or practiced any strokes or techniques at all.

So back to this weekend.. we got to the pool in our friends' building, and I got really excited because it was of a decent size and pretty deep .. about 8'. So I thought to myself.. let's see what you can do, girl. I swam laps.. freestyle, breaststroke, backstroke and I even attempted butterfly. And kickturns! I did a couple of kickturns! The next day, I totally paid for it though. The muscles in my arms and shoulders and even my glutes were on fire, but it was so worth it. Chris told me, "you should have seen the look on your face.. you looked so happy". And I was.

Over it

I'm officially done feeling sorry for myself. ((sniff)) I know in my heart that I will have WLS and that when the time is right, it will happen. I've had a few difficult days though. I had to go cold turkey off of all NSAIDs and I gave up caffeine of every kind and spicy food just to be sure. I waited 3 days for my PCP to finally get around to calling in some pain meds for me. My back was killing me and I had a major headache that lasted the whole 3 days. So last night after I finally got the meds, I was able to get a good night's sleep.

I have more fun dr. appointments next week to look forward to .. at least they'll make me feel like I'm still accomplishing things and getting closer to the surgery. Monday afternoon is the consultation at the Sleep Disorder center that will diagnose my sleep apnea. I guess they'll schedule the actual overnight study a week or two after. On Friday, I have the appts with the nutritionist and the psychiatrist. Then July 7, it's the abdominal ultrasound. After that, I'll just be waiting while my ulcers heal... If all goes well, they should be able to send off for the approval at the end of August. Cross your fingers everybody!

I've read several lists that other pre-op folks like myself have put together of things they would like to do after the WLS. I think this will help me to re-focus on some of the reasons that I'm doing this, so here goes...

I will walk and hike and enjoy the outdoors without pain and without sweating like a farm animal on auction day.

I will swim again with confidence and join a master's swim league. I might even look cute in a swimsuit.

I will take the stairs at the BART station and at work.

I will get back "on top" with my honey and not feel self-conscious about it ;-)

I will enjoy shopping and dressing up and being a "girly-girl" again

I will shave my legs and give myself pedicures with ease

I will not shy away from going out or being social because I'm embarrassed that I've gained weight.

I will enjoy exercise again.. really

I will enjoy being in front of a camera again.. who knows, maybe even a video camera.. (grin)

So disappointed

I had my endoscopy this morning. They found 4 ulcers. Dr. U said that they have most likely been caused by the amount of ibuprofen and other NSAIDs that I've taken over the last 2 years.. I have a herniated disc in my neck and then last year, I fell down 9 concrete stairs and banged myself up pretty good. I've had pretty severe muscle spasms in my back since then. So he is prescribing some medication to heal the ulcers .. I have to take it for 2 months, then have another endoscopy. So that's going to push my WLS back even further. No way to have it by the end of summer. At this rate, I'll be lucky to have it before the end of the year.

Ok.. now I'm having the endoscopy on Monday morning. My friend John is going to meet me at the Oakland airport on Sunday night. I'm coming in from LA and he and his bf happen to be coming back from San Diego about 20 minutes later. I'll go home with them and John will drive me to the appt Monday morning and then drive me home. This is so great.. I can't believe it's starting to happen!

Oh - and I also have to do an abdominal ultrasound on July 7. It seems like a lot of bullshit to go through, but I'm kinda glad that my surgeon is so thorough.

The ride may be closer than I think

Wow.. ok. Things are moving along and I didn't even realize it. Got a call this morning from the lovely DeAngela who works for Dr. U ( she ROCKS by the way) .. she wanted to know if I was available on Monday for my endoscopy! Unfortunately I wasn't because Chris will be in LA until Monday night and I have to have a ride home since they're going to sedate me. So she's going to schedule it for next Friday. Yeah! I've never been so excited to have something stuck down my throat.. well.. you know. Maybe not NEVER.. LOL Aaaaanyway, when I got home yesterday I had a message from my PCP office about auth for the sleep study. And that's the last piece of the puzzle, folks. Once I get all of these appointments knocked out, it's all sent to the insurance company and then the REAL waiting begins. I know I'll be a wreck until I get my approval. Oh .. BTW.. I have Blue Shield HMO.. anyone have any info on them re: WLS approval? They seem to be authorizing all of these appointments and tests really quickly, so it leads me to believe that I may have a pretty easy time of it. Sure hope so.

So after all of this news this morning, I feel kinda like I'm in line for the freakiest roller coaster at the park.. and I'm getting close enough to see the people getting on. I'm starting to get that butterfly-nervous-excited feeling in my tummy. I can't wait to take the ride!

Thanks to all my new Sassy Fatty family for stopping by and saying hi.. you guys are the best. I'm so glad that I found you.

Some whine with my cheese..burger

I'm finding myself spending a ridiculous amount of time fantasizing about what life will be like after WLS. Like time that I should be working.. oops. I'm using every spare minute reading blogs and looking at hundreds of before-and-after pics (OH has to be good for something, right?) and going through my closet to look at all of the clothes that I'll be able to wear again and I'm even looking at obese people on the train and thinking about WLS and how it could help them too. It's bordering on obsessive. What it boils down to is.. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF BEING FAT!!! I'm ready for this shit to be over. I nearly injured myself trying on a pair of jeans that fit me fine about 2 months ago. WTF?!? And I'd love to endulge in all the super decadent stuff that I'll soon (hopefully) be giving up.. the "Farewell to Food" tour, but I'm deathly afraid that I'll gain more weight and then they won't approve me for WLS and I'll be trapped in this puffy jacket hell forever.

Oh - and I had to read my PCP's nurse today.. after my THIRD call this week asking whether he had sent off for the referral for my sleep study. She told me he hadn't gotten to it yet because he's been on vacation. Somehow that's my problem.. even though I called 3 times last week to ask the dr. on call to fill out the fucking form.

Ok - ((breathe) - here's some good news. Psychiatrist called me this week and let me know he got my insurance auth and could set up an appt for me. I'm gonna try to meet with the nutritionist the same day and knock it all out at once. Maybe that will make me feel like I'm accomplishing something. Oh - and Diana emailed me to tell me that she has a swimsuit for me. She didn't want to me to keep trippin on mine not fitting, and not going to the aquaaerobics class at the gym. So I guess I have no excuse now, huh?

Getting myself ready

Well, I made it to the gym on Monday and met Diana. She was really sweet to me and made me feel really comfortable. I managed to do 20 min. on the treadmill at a pretty good pace. I was completely drenched when I was done, but it felt great. My poor legs wobbled for about 5 min. after I got off that machine.. they hadn't had a workout like that in a long time.

I'm starting to make little changes now so that I won't have such a hard time after the WLS. Exercise was the first step.. (going back this weekend for more treadmill and maybe some swimming..still haven't braved the trying on of the swimsuit).. then I gave up coffee about 5 days ago. That one's been surprisingly easy so far.. I've just downed as much water as I can.. and the occasional cup of iced tea.. and it's been ok. Lastly, I'm trying to weed out the carbs. This part is never easy, but I know that I have to do it. I've made lots of egg salad for breakfast and tuna and chicken salads for lunch.. and I've had just a few Wheat Thins along with them to keep myself from feeling completely deprived. However, in my ultimate wisdom, I decided to do all of this the same week that PMS hit me like a Mack truck. Poor Chris... I owe him a big kiss and a big "Thank you" for putting up with me this week. It didn't help that my lil brother called me yesterday to tell me that he and his fiance are preggers.. - don't get me wrong... I'm very happy for them and I know my lil Bubba will be a fantastic Dad. But I can't help feeling a little envious. One of the reasons that I decided to have WLS was so that I'll have an easier time conceiving in a couple of years. I'm already 32 and I hope that I don't have too many problems with infertility.. especially because I have PCOS. I know the WLS should help with all of that.. but the waiting is just so tough. I hate not knowing if I'll get a date 2 months or 6 months from now. I just have to stay positive until the day comes. I'm sure trying :-b

My Angel Diana

I've been lucky enough to find an Angel.. a WLS Angel. I met Diana at www.obesityhelp.com, where I've done quite a bit of research. She had WLS about a year ago at the hospital where I'll be having my surgery. Her dr. is my dr.'s partner. She volunteered to be my "angel" - basically a support person that I can go to with questions, etc. The wonderful thing is ... 1 - she's very sweet and encouraging and 2. - she's training to get her personal trainer's license and she's volunteered to work out with me. Starting a fitness routine is always so difficult.. especially by yourself. Basically - I need a kick in the ass. So this Monday evening, I'm meeting Diana at 24 Hr Fitness and I'm going to start training with her. I'm kinda nervous about it.. not to meet her, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to do much. And the really scary part - I have to try on my swimsuit - EEK!!

The Beginning

This is the beginning of my journey. I like the sound of that.. I need a fresh start. Some wonderful direction to head into. The title of my blog is "Becoming the Pin-Up Girl" because I consider the pin-up girls of the 40s and 50s to be the ideal of feminine beauty. Yes - I do want (and need) to lose weight and become healthy, but I hope that I won't lose my curvaceousness in the process. I want to feel (and hopefully look) like a Varga girl.. sexy and sweet.. sugar and spice..

I decided at the end of last year that I would pursue WLS. At the time, I was temping after moving back to No. California from Santa Monica .. at the time I had no insurance. Thankfully, in February of '06, I was hired full time (I'm a corporate travel consultant) and on March 1, I got health insurance. That's when I decided to go for it. I chose a PCP.. nice enough guy.. told him that I was pursuing WLS. I didn't give him much room to disagree with me or try to pursuade me otherwise ;-) He didn't give me too hard of a time, thankfully. I quickly got approval from my HMO to see a surgeon.

My first appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Ajay Upadhyay, was this Tuesday, May 30. I had to wait 3 long weeks for the appointment. I was so nervous and totally excited.. I woke up at 5am that morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I got showered and paced around the house a bit. Then I started getting ready.. I was determined to be the most gorgeous fat girl to walk into that office. LOL My wonderful bf Christopher went to the appt. with me. He has been such an amazing support to me .. I feel so very lucky to have his love and support as I go through this experience. So, when they called my name, I had to laugh as I noticed the Polaroid camera in the hand of the nurse. I was ready for my "before" close-up, Mr. DeMille! Since I plan to eventually post that pic here, I'm glad that I looked cute..fat but cute :-) The scary part came when I had jump up on that scale.. with my beloved looking on. 280. F*ck. That number hit me like a ton of bricks. Not that I was horribly shocked by it, but knowing that Chris knew my "secret number" made me feel pretty vulnerable. Not that I regret him being there, but still. So then we met with Dr. U - what a lovely man. I had met him when I went to the surgery orientation back in April and I had instantly known then that he would take good care of me. He answered all of our questions and told me that I would need to see a nutritionist, psychiatrist, have an endoscopy .. and he wants me to have a sleep study, since I'm fairly certain that I have sleep apnea. I really hope that the sleep study won't take too long to schedule, which will delay my surgery. My PCP has to submit the authorization for the sleep study.. I'll just have to keep on top of him (so to speak..LOL) until I know that it's done. Maybe threatening to sit on him would make things go faster. So now I wait.. authorizations have been sent off for the nutritionist, psych, and endoscopy by the surgeon's office. I really hope this happens before the end of the Summer. When I walk around, I feel like I'm wearing a big puffy jacket, but it's actually my body. I keep thinking of Chris Farley singing "Fat guy in a little coat..." It's the beginning of Summer in San Francisco.. too gorgeous outside for a "coat".