I have no title for this post
I'm going to try to keep this one short because I'm having a lot of trouble focusing today. My mind is in 100 different places right now. More about that later..
I went for my first session on Saturday morning. It was wonderful to be back in the pool. I felt so nervous.. it was a lot like showing up for the first day at a new school. I met Brian and another really great coach named Andy. They gave me my own lane (which took a lot of the pressure off) and told me to just warm up a little. So I did a few laps, which was harder than I thought it would be. Then Andy brought me some swimfins. I did a few more laps and found that my left shoulder (the injured one) kept locking up. So Andy showed me how to lengthen my stroke and that helped a lot. I only ended up swimming for about 40 minutes, but that was all I could do. I was breathing really hard and felt a little dizzy. This is definitely something that I will have to work up to. I've decided that I'm going to keep doing morning sessions instead of afternoons. That means getting up at 5:30am to be to the pool at 6:00am. I'll swim for an hour, go home to get ready for work, get the train and be to work by 9:00am. Sounds doable, right? I decided on mornings because there are twice as many lanes open then and I should be able to have a lane to myself most days. Now I just have to stay motivated and get out there!
So.. the reason that I'm feeling so scattered .. Chris' good friend Aaron and his wife Ivy are going through a terribly difficult time right now. Their 4 year old son Tyler has been fighting cancer for a year and a half.. and they've just been told that he is terminal. They basically have to decide between stopping the chemo now and letting nature take its course.. he may only have a few more weeks.. or continuing chemo to give him a few more months to possibly a year. As it turns out, Aaron is also fighting cancer himself for the second time in his life. He's only 36. This is more tragedy than any family should have to face. Chris and I are just sick over it.. we want so badly to help in some way, but what can we really do except let them know that we're here for them?
I'm having a hard time emotionally lately. For all of the wonderful, joyous things in my life, there seems to be so much sadness too and it's hard for me to process. In fact, at the time that I got the email about Tyler, I also got an email from my friend Katrina's husband Steve with pics of their new baby Loren, who was born Friday morning. After our friend Lloyd being murdered recently, and Chris' uncle being murdered not long ago (I don't think I had even posted about that).. I'm just trying to make sense of - well, everything. Emotions are more difficult for me to deal with now.. I don't have anything to dull them with. Last night, I tried to comfort myself with a homemade quesadilla with guacamole and sour cream. Tasted great and made me feel good.. until I got terribly sick and ended up in bed. I lied there and cried because I knew better.. I knew that food wouldn't make Tyler's cancer go away or bring Lloyd back, or take away my sadness. It just made me ill and made me feel stupid and guilty.
posted by Danyele @ 11:31 AM
8 Comments:
Wow Danyele, you definitely have dealt with a lot lately! They say you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others and you are a person who has brought her real inner strength out. Continue to take such good care of yourself and you will be able to give more to the people in your life you care about.
love and strength to you and Chris-
Dagny
danyele, you have such a huge heart and are one of the most compassionate people i have ever met. i feel so fortunate to know you. you will get through all of this, regardless of whether or not you can figure out why it is all happening. don't try to take on other's burdens. just be there for them as their friend, like you have always done. xoxo
This is alot on your plate and all at once! I have to agree though the best person and friend you can be is the healthiest one for your friends and relatives. You need to take care of yourself so you may be there when the others need you! You are strong and will prevail! BIG HUGS to you
((((hugs))))
*sending you a big internet hug.
that's a lot to deal with in your life all at one time.
sometimes things raelly don't seem fair do they?
I am sorry to hear that you have this to deal with right now, but like others have said, you are a strong person. You will get through this and I am sure that you will be a great support to those around you.
Just don't forget to take care of yourself...
Hugs,
Lins xx
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with so much sadness in your life right now. It can be even more frustrating when there is absolutely nothing you can do for any of these people that you love so much. Maybe just try and remind yourself that it's out of your hands. If there was anything you could do, you would do it. In the meantime, try and keep the endorphins up by doing as much aerobic exercise as possible. It's going to be the most important tool to keeping your spirits up and stopping the depression from taking over.
Also, and this is going to sound horribly mean, but I'm glad the quesadilla made you sick. Food has always been our comfort of choice. It's not bad that you had a quesadilla. Made properly with low carb or whole grain tortillas, chicken, low fat cheese, low fat sour cream, it's really not a horribly bad option. In my opinion it isn't, anyway. But it's about using it to fill the hole so you feel better that was the real kicker. It happens. Now you know and you stop beating yourself up about it. Every day is a struggle with food for some of us. You're doing great and you should feel amazingly proud of yourself.
One more thing, maybe the swim coach can recommend some exercises to loosen up that shoulder? Just a thought.
Big hugs xoxo
Hey Shel,
You're not mean.. I'm glad that it made me sick too. I freely admit that there have been times that I've made poor choices and Phyllis has put me back in check. I chose this tool for a reason. It's my "choke-chain", so to speak. Not to say that it should be abused as such.
I agree that the exercise will (and has) keep my energy and spirits up. I was having a low day, as we all do, and I try to keep my blog honest..cuz it ain't all sunshine and roses honey.. as you know.
Thanks for everyone's kind words and concern. "Month 10 in the life of the future pin-up girl" will be posted soon - stay tuned
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