Becoming the Pin-Up Girl

I'm on a journey from obesity to health.. and I'm hoping to reveal my inner Pin-Up Girl along the way ;-)

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

So much for so long

I've missed you (my friends and my blog) so much for so long. I've been afraid to come back to you, though I think of you every day. This blog has been my truth and I've run away from it. And now I'm running back to it because I need it. I really truly need it.

Where to start.. well, ok. Let's start with the hardest stuff. I've gained weight - anyone surprised? No? I didn't think you would be. I seriously considered taking the ticker off of the top of this page because I want so badly to hide it.. to lie.. to put on a big smile and say, "Me? The pin-up girl? I'm doing faaaaabulously, darlings!" But I'm not. The number is there at the top for all to see. I need to see it. I need it to scare the fuck out of me. And it is.. it's scaring the fuck out of me.

What's next? Ah yes.. pain. I'm in pain all. of. the. time. Beginning on Sunday, I started traction therapy three times a day, 15 minutes per session, for 6 weeks .. because the disc in my neck is herniated to the point that's it's compressing a nerve that is making my left arm go numb. Then there are the severe muscle spasms that I still have in my lower back. I feel like I've been tricked.. hoodwinked.. the surgery was supposed to take the weight off and my back would be healed - right? Right?! No. Damnit.

The latest thing? My father is going blind. His diabetes has been so out of control for so long that he's fucking going blind. He moved back to St. Louis a few months ago to live with my Aunt Kathy again. He took his girlfriend, who I cannot stand and don't trust at all, with him. Yesterday, he called me and told me about the problems with his eyesight and his upcoming appointment with the opthomologist, when he expects he'll be told he can no longer drive. My Dad - the bad muthafuckin biker - can no longer drive or ride. This morning, he called me to book a flight to come out to visit in July. He couldn't see well enough to write down the flight details. My heart just sank.

And with all of this sadness and anger and frustration.. you know what I want to do? I WANT TO EAT GODDAMNIT! I want a cheeseburger.. or Red Vines.. or something. Something to please take it all away. Just for a minute.

I need my friends. I need my blog. I'm sorry that I ran away .. I really really am.


Blogger SignGurl said...

Oh girl, I'm so sorry for all of this! The suffering, the guilt and the pain.

It's so hard when we know what we need to do, but doing it is the issue, isn't it? I was just thinking this today as I reached for another fucking animal cracker.

I wish I had some magic words that would make it all better, but I don't. I commend you for coming back to us, because we love you no matter what and we are here to support you. You got a little off track and now that you've realized it, things will fall back in place (said to self as well).


6:27 PM  
Blogger Leah said...

I'm so glad you came back - I'm going through struggles myself.

You can do it - you can make it through. We'll all do it together.

(MUCH easier said than done, eh?)

7:05 PM  
Blogger Katrina said...


it was so good to hear your voice the other night. i'm glad you left your ticker up, but don't let it beat you down - let it challenge you. DO NOT go for the cheeseburger or red vines - they will only give you a temporary fix at best and you will feel even worse afterwards. i know you already know this, but sometimes it helps to have it reinforced.

the next time you feel like grabbing a cheeseburger, grab your phone and call or at least text message me. and if you can't get a hold of me try someone else. that's what we're here for.

take care. i love and miss you.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I went from checking you once a day to once a week. And now you are back. I am thrilled.

One of the reasons we do this blogging is to get out what holds us inside. People need to hear your story. It helps them make decisions in their own life.

This isn't a fix it. You are not broken. You are an inspiration. You are an inspiration.

Much love.

8:47 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Never be sorry for what you do, just take the right action and correct the problem. I'm reading, you know what to do, so now do it...oh good lord, sweetie you've been through the mill and back again. Big hugs for you and take things one step at a time. You too shall perservere....big hugs

10:49 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

OMG I had no idea you were posting again! You never show as updated in my blog roll or google reader! Turn your "feed" on woman!

Look at 186 you're still lighter than me. Take a blue sky view of where you are now, vs. where you were before. You're still making progres. Could be like me: nearly 21 months out and not at -100 yet!

Just take it step-by-step. Don't worry about where you are not; only worry about where you are going. You're going to be healthy (you and me both, if it kills us. LOL).

So glad you came back; there is nothing to run from when you're speaking the truth. :)

2:38 PM  

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