Friends
Dagny's recent blog entry got me thinking about my friends. For the most part, I've always been friends with men.. primarily gay men. Basically, I've been a major fag hag. I believe that I was most comfortable around gay men because I had nothing to fear.. none of them was going to reject me because the sexual boy-girl element didn't exist. The relationships that I did have with straight men were kept completely separate from the rest of my life and for the most part, were pretty dysfunctional. I even fell for a bisexual man at one point and we had a very turbulent, painful relationship. Thankfully we eventually decided to stop torturing each other and just become friends.
In my late twenties, I did something I had never done before - I lost weight. I lost 80 lbs when I was 28 years old and my life, and the people in it, changed. I remained friends with my very close gay male friends, but I also started to become friends with women and I started to date often. The women that I became the closest to were also overweight, in varying degrees. I didn't feel comfortable around thin women.. I felt completely out of place. Over the last few years, my two closest female friends have both lost a lot of weight .. my best friend had WLS a year ago and now weighs around 150. Another very close friend weighed probably around 180 or so and now weighs around 150. I'm nowhere near that. And unfortunately, I've found myself feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious around them. One of the two girls lives about an hour and half away from me and I've found myself declining her invitations to come and visit because I'm ashamed of the weight that I've regained. I keep telling myself that I will see her after the surgery.. when I'm back to the Danyele that she knows, which means the Danyele that weights 227, not 280. When I visit my friend that had WLS, I feel jealous of her success and ashamed for feeling that way. I don't want my friendships to revolve around how much any of us weighs.. I think this is something that I'll have to work on.
posted by Danyele @ 8:41 AM
3 Comments:
I had no idea of the maelstrom waiting for me on this journey. I know you're getting closer and closer to joining us on this path and you'll deal with things you can't even imagine now! We'll talk it over and you can be brutally honest when the time comes! Thank you for what you're willing to share already.
Girl, you just have to cut yourself some slack and learn how to leave the self-loathing at the curb. (I mean that in the most sympathetic way!
That being said though, I can totally understand where you're coming from. I had a friend of mine quit visting with me after I had lost a ton of weight on my own. She even stopped going to Weight Watchers meetings with me. I never said or did anything to make her feel bad, and I felt bad because I didn't know how to make her understand that no matter what I loved her for the person she was. Weight lost, or not.
We do this to ourselves -- I'm so guilty of it. I worry that I won't have my head in the game after the surgery, and I'll find myself right back where I was.
There is soooo much more than just losing weight on this journey. We have to be prepared for whatever comes our way.
Be good. Be great!
Donna
This coming from someone who has known Danyele for MANY years. She has ALWAYS been such a beautiful person. I know that she has had an issue with learning to like herself as the person she sees on the outside, but I am not sure even now she knows what a beautiful person she has ALWAYS been on the inside. She and I have been friends since high school and although I have moved all over the friggin US, we have remained in touch, about the ONLY one I have remained in touch with from high school and probably only one of the few that I would want to remain in touch with. I think it is great that she has gone through this surgery. I just want her to love the person outside as much as I love the person inside! Love ya girl!
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