Just breathe

It was confirmed this morning that I have sleep apnea. Yippee..?? I know I should be happy to have the diagnosis because it should pretty much seal the deal with my insurance company, but I left the appointment feeling really down. I let Chris come to the appointment with me, which I don't think was a good idea. Not that he doesn't know that I snore.. lol.. I just ended up feeling very vulnerable and even a little ashamed after the appt. It wasn't exactly wonderful learning that my fat makes me stop breathing an average of 78 times an HOUR!! And now they want me to wear a fucking mask to bed every night.. yeah, that's sexy!

I always do this.. I feel sorry for myself and beat myself up for an hour or two and then I process whatever is going on and I move on from it. I'll be ok. This will all be ok. Ultimately, I will have WLS to improve my health. WLS will vastly improve (or cure) my sleep apnea and PCOS symptoms, and it will keep me from becoming a diabetic like my father and my aunts who are all suffering tremendously. I'm very very fortunate to have this opportunity now, while I'm only 32. I will use the tool to change my life, for myself and my partner and the people who love and care about me. For now, I need to just breathe.

Long sleepless night

Yesterday, I spent some down time at the end of my workday surfing the OH website and message boards (I know, I know). There were several posts from people who were denied for WLS by their insurance companies because their employers had written specific exclusions of WLS into their policies. It dawned on me that I had never called Blue Shield to see if my HMO policy had an exclusion in it. It dawned on me at 5:02pm. After Blue Shield was closed. I spent the next 16 hours freaking out at the thought that I could be denied. It was a very long night. Of course, this awful heat wave and the fact that we don't have a/c didn't help. Thankfully, I got ahold of BS this morning and confirmed that my policy does not have a WLS exclusion in it. I had my HR rep forward me a copy of the entire policy and there is nothing excluding WLS, although it has to be determined to "medically necessary".

Some good news - I will get the results of my overnight sleep study tomorrow morning. My original appt wasn't until September (sleep dr. on vacation for the month of August), but they had a cancellation - yea!! That should help speed the process along nicely!

Yuck - giving us blondes a bad name!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&entry_id=7157

Plus Size Pin-Ups

I came across this site today and I loved it..

Camryn Mannheim posed for Toil and I'm a big fan of hers. I actually met her last spring in the women's department at Macy's in the Century City mall. She liked my denim jacket. I like it too .. and when I lose about 15 lbs, it'll fit again. ((sigh))

Who will I be?

My best friend had WLS last August. She's lost from 277 to around 150. At the time that she had the surgery, she was a new mom with a 9 month old son and she was in a very destructive relationship with the baby's father. She ended the relationship a few months ago. It's been really difficult for her - her son's father is a complete psycho-stalker (she had to finally get a restraining order after he threatened her several times) - but she's managed to get out on her own and start building a new life for herself and her child. Would she have had the courage to leave if she had never had WLS? I don't know. Maybe not.

I've read about so many of my fellow WLS bloggers and how dramatically they have changed since WLS. Long-term relationships have ended .. new ones have begun.. people have new-found self-esteem and self-love and it's taken their lives in many wonderful and scary and exciting and completely foreign places. All of this leaves me wondering.. who will I be? How will shedding the "protective" layer of fat change my life, apart from the obvious physical aspects? How will my relationship change? Will Chris look at me differently.. as a person and a partner? Will I look at him differently? I don't think I will, but who's to know? Sometimes I think myself in circles about all of the ways that my body and my life will change. Is that healthy?

As far as the "process" goes, I have another appt for an endoscopy on August 11. Dr. U will take a peak and let me know if the ulcers have healed. I just pray that they do. I haven't taken any NSAIDs at all and I've taken the Protonix religiously, so I think everything will be ok. I have the sleep study this Friday night. I know it's going to suck, but if it will help me get approved by the insurance a little easier, it'll be worth it. I had my appt with the nutritionist .. to be honest, it was disappointing. She knew very little about the post-op diet and kept stressing "good carbs".. which I'll be consuming very very little of post-op. I expected to hear "protein first" and "chew chew chew" and "sip sip sip", but I didn't hear any of that. Thank God for the internet. Even more disappointing was the fact that I missed my psych appt because I LOCKED MY KEYS IN MY CAR after my nutritionist appt. (Why yes, I am THAT blonde) Thankfully the psychiatrist was very cool about it. I had a horrible vision of him deciding then that I would not be a good candidate because I was an airhead and couldn't keep a simple appointment. Anyway, I'll reschedule some time this next month. Sooo.. if all goes as planned (and it so rarely does), Dr. U should be able to send off for insurance approval after August 11. Keep your fingers crossed!